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Sean, I was greatly impressed with the Yahoo videos describing the hiearchical levels of consciousness development but even more important was the video describing exactly what bipolar disorder actually is. I found it enlightening but also very disturbing. Recently a young woman of 24 (diagnosed as "bipolar") whom i have loved for nearly 7 years took her own life by jumping off the Mackinac bridge and looking at your video I recognize that there were things I've done wrong out of ignorance while trying to help her. I paid particular attention to the part about the construction of the false ego and how whenever failure or particular changes take place that challenge that false perception, a crisis can arise in the life of someone who is labled "Bipolar".
I also noticed the part about how a parent or society can place demands on a person that can lead to that crisis. Sometimes those demands can be overt like her mother having high expectations of her success, and perhaps even inadvertent expectations like what i had about her being in a relationship with me indefinitely. I later found out from her father that she really wanted to disassociate herself from me for whatever reasons but she wouldn't tell me. I helped her through one minor and one major emotional crisis and I tried to be emotionally supportive with no expectations on her except to be a close friend (and we even talked about marriage twice). The third crisis I really thought she was resolving as she seemed happier but then as before she was cutting herself off from me. In each case, she faced failure trying to be something her mother wanted rather than herself. Her mother always expected her to have goals and when this one goal failed I suspect she still pressured her to have an ambition. Even this one ass who lived in her house would say" What the hell do you want to do with your life"? I should have punched that ass. Brandi would just tell me, "I just want to be". She was even cutting me off when she said that. I have always been there for her and my love for her was even unconditional-truly it was. Lots of people say that but too often they're just empty words. I truly loved her and even told her it's okay to "Just be". Not a prob! I would say just relax and don't let anyone pressure you. Just be, I would say. And when she cancelled a date for the first time ever and after two months of short emails and reluctant phone conversations, i regret that my last conversation with her on the phone was: "But I dont understand. You won't see me during a time I have been most helpful for you".
And that was all I wanted. I just wanted to see her face so i could gage her state of mind and happiness and to have fun and let her just relax. But she knew I was nearly as sensitive as her and i could see through her. Her parents are convinced she was planning the suicide and she didn't want me to talk her out of it. Sean, the thing is, she wouldn't or couldn't open up with me like she used to. She used to bare her soul and I'm not sure why, but maybe she felt i have somehow broken a sacred trust? But I can't think why. She was such an old soul and she saw and heard things that were other worldly. She spoke about "Universal consciousness" and abhorred the traditional God image and she came from a family of staunch Christians. I told her that I didn't know if her visions were real or not, but i did tell her that she had a special gift and that with great sensitivity comes great sadness as well as great joy. I also said that it may be "real", but when you are thinking about suicide (in refeerence to an event in the past) that "real" gift becomes a real problem. I even once told her that if she ever took her life that it would destroy me.
I even said prior to this one failed job she had which led to her suicide, that if it didn't work out she shouldn't take it so seriously and just look at it as one of a thousand avenues she could take. Her mother, on the other hand, was her cheerleader: "You can do it!!!" Her mother loved her but she didn't understand the fragility of her daughter's psyche and neither where her pain was coming from. And neither did I really. Then i watched your video and asked myself, "Why couldn't i have found this BEFORE she did what she did"? I really believe this would have saved her life. She wouldn't have felt so alone recognizing that there's a definitive reason as to why she was feeling as she did. She was having a crisis of EGO and I realize that now. I could have been a much better support for her if i could have identified what exactly was going on with her. She never told me she was on antidepressants and neither did her mother. After her suicide i read about that and discovered these drugs actually increase depression in bipolar people.
All i can say Sean is that I did all that i knew how for what knowledge i had. I hate drugs and told her so and I said to her on a number of occasions that her "just being" is great and that she should relax and just wait for the sun to come over the horizon. Yes, I "enabled her (better than 'disabling' i always say) by validating her experiences thought of as "psychosis" by many in the medical field. I never doubted that what she was going through was real but i also told her that unless I have been there, i can't fully grasp what she experienced. But i also told her that I've had precognitive dreams and even left my body once so I have no problem believing her visions and voices. But again, i also said that if those things make you want to kill yourself, you MUST find a way to overcome it.
It then is no longer a friend. But you say to "embrace" it. And that may be the problem here. Perhaps i shouldn't have treated her mania as an enemy but rather as a "transition"- and a necessary one.
Sean, here's my question: Why did she take her life when everyone including myself was trying to be supportive? Even her mother was coming around in the end trying to understand her despite her drug blunder. Even her father reassured her just like me that her value lied in who she was and not in what she did. i tell you Sean, i LOVED her! Losing her has removed my heart and for the first time in my life I felt the same darkness she must have felt and considered taking my own life. Sean, May I ask, do you believe in an afterlife?
Do you believe that her experiences reflect a higher truth? Is her consciousness there? She even said in her suicide note that she found joy in knowing who she was and that all of life is dreams and she was going to merge with universal consciousness. I so hope that is the case. I so hope that she's alive and happy. A friend of mine said she showed up in a dream happy and hugged her-and this friend didn't even know who she was. But she was given a big hug (which she loved to give) and left her with the feeling she was supposed to communicate to me she was happy and safe.
Man, I so wish i could have directed her to your videos. Truly I believe she'd be alive if i did. Deep regrets!!!
Thanks for reading,
I found you guys on the schizophrenia comment page you all made you tube, I suffered too from Bipolar / Schizo / manic depression... 11 YEARS AGO (FREE SINCE).... everything failed me, except ONE thing...This is my personal experience... I know we all have a different path and purpose in life, this in my unique experience and I thank the Lord for all He has shown and given me. Please forward this to whoever you think can use it...
I was an ex Marine gunner and French Culinary Chef who tried something kind of different to try and disprove / prove GOD to myself and to find a CURE to my bipolar / schizophrenia after medications caused me more pain and suffering and even made me attempt to take my life.. SO I CUT THEM ALL OFF. I do not seek to argue or debate AT ALL. Why do we assume we know? I realized I WOULD never really know unless GOD either showed me or did not. But I had to do it according to the RULES in HIS word... keep reading.
MAN created the CHURCH system we have today, which to me, seemed OFF. The BIBLE never mentions going to Church except once and it was at someone's house. Now I find that there are some great churches out there and really strong believers within the churches as well... but still they can use the Spirit more, which to me in not as apparent in most churches as it should be...
The WORD actually says Matthew 6:6 "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
This is what I did 11 years ago or 3-4 weeks, ALONE, walking the street at night looking up and asking God if He was real or not. And in my room and in a mountain side, privately saying:
"GOD.. PLEASE.. JESUS.. PLEASE give me the HOLY SPIRIT and YOU can have this life I have.. SEND ME THE PROMISED HOLY SPIRIT then I can know and I will serve you forever."
Before, I thought GOD has to prove Himself to me, a human. But asking for the Holy Spirit I thought, WHY SHOULD I WANT GOD TO SHOW/PROVE HIMSELF... I SHOULD PROVE MYSELF to HIM FIRST by reading HIS word. So I read furiously, saying to myself, "I'm going to ask for the Holy Spirit and not fulfill my flesh with human comforts until I FINISH the WORD OF GOD. The New Testament was 300 pages, not that long. And I felt that keeping myself empty from gratification would leave room for GOD to fill me if all this WAS IN FACT LEGIT. BUT AGAIN, I gave Him my FAITH until I knew one way or the other. The race was on and I started reading hardcore.
NO church or ANYONE else. IN SECRET: I LIKED THAT. I had nothing to lose and eternity to gain. I had read early in the first book Matthew 7:11 and also in Luke 11:13 "Will GOD not give the Holy Spirit to those that ask of Him!" Also Jesus had said no sign would be given except the sign of Jonah, I researched and found the word Jonah meant Dove in Hebrew, aka Holy Spirit. So I figured if God is real, which I would give Him the benefit of my doubt until HE either proved it or not... this would be the thing to pray for and ask for.
Then I read this: (WHICH made me ask forcefully from GOD, almost yelling and challenging HIM BOLDLY to give it to ME!) Matthew 11:12 Jesus said: "And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force."
The WORLD to me was full of LIES: VANITY, image, money, SEX, drugs, IMAGE, IMAGE, PRIDE.. MORE MONEY = more girls/materialism = respect.. ALL evil to me.. all of it just a distraction. So I continued in this manner, mixed with confessing all my sins of stealing, using drugs and GIRLS, all the things I could remember I did wrong I said out loud. After the fourth Book in the Bible, STILL asking for just the Holy Spirit and really loathing myself at this point because I stopped cigarettes and weed, things I loved... and I was feeling the VOID BIGTIME. And I realized that without these things, I am empty. THAT I despised about myself: that without gratification I FOUND NO PEACE. SO I asked Harder and said to GOD, GIVE ME A NEW SOUL!!! WHAT IS THIS GOD! I AM A BROKEN MACHINE! To this day, I don't know what came over me to day that... and to say it with such anger towards Him, VIOLENCE! Screaming at the sky thinking, "Well, at LEAST the Angels are getting a kick out of this, I hope that they go to GOD and tell HIM if HE IS ignoring ME!
Somewhere in Corinthians, the start of it... my friend was over one night. It was day 26 of 40 I think... I'd divided up the New Testament into 40 sections and would read a SECTION a DAY. That next morning I awoke with the feeling of ecstasy in me: LITERALLY. I accused my best friend for slipping me an Ecstasy PILL in my water, He denied it. But I was sure HE DID. The next day the feeling was stronger and I couldn't believe it, GOD had delivered. BIG-TIME. This amazing bliss moved into my mind and pushed out all negative thoughts supernaturally. The next year was non-stop dreams and visions, mostly asleep but SOME awake. TEARS I had cried during the month long asking (I had cried out of frustration and slight depression into my Bible) had turned into a white bread, which I ate... and was SWEET like honey. If I go on to tell you the supernatural events that have occurred since, most of you would think I am totally nuts, if already you don't.
BUT I TELL YOU... ITS ALL TRUE. God has telepathically connected me to HIMSELF through CHRIST and the WORD.
I think that the breakthrough was when I REALIZED that my human mechanism, the human condition was broken. That I LOVED evil and hated being good. I DESPISED that that was TRUE and was rebelling against MYSELF complaining to GOD and telling HIM to fix me I refused to smoke anything or take Valium (which I used to as well for relaxing, I refused rock music, TV... just bored myself into depression, reading, crying, asking for a new soul in the Holy Spirit, asking in Jesus name while I read, read and read.
LOVE YOU ALL.... Just remember that our bodies are created to CONTAIN A BUZZ. From all different sources, we are created to have TEMPORARY BUZZES... this is the TRICK. DO NOT indulge in any buzzful activities and ask (EVEN FORCEFULLY, it's RECOMMENDED).
"Despise your actions and change, I said to myself and all who read this. .DESPISE being in the fallen state away from GOD and needing money, sex, drugs and rock and roll (BASICALLY STIMULI) to feel complete. IF YOU have ever wondered why GOD is silent, it's because WE ARE. Show passion about what JESUS did, DIED so we can be connected to GOD. YOU MUST DESPISE THE FALLEN STATE.. .and vocalize it for a while and READ the NEW TESTAMENT while asking for the HOLY SPIRIT. I am sure anyone who does this will experience WHAT I DID.
DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME (if you are nice about it, I WILL discuss, with RESPECT), I am not doing this to debate, but if you are an atheist or non believer and ARE nice, I will respond... I know some are Christians out there... I THOUGHT I was before doing it this way, before I fell away and came back to try and see once and for all what was real and what was not... GOD was silent to me for years and I started losing faith and went all out...and it paid off. Now each night is a lesson in dreams, each thought gets accused and corrected; I have since put away most sin (GOD HAS FOR ME). The Holy Spirit is not automatic upon believing. ITS TO BE sought HARD after with forcefulness or whatever means necessary. ARE YOU HAPPY with a SILENT GOD? I wasn't... and now HE has shown me that I need to get this message out to all, great and small, to SEEK HIM this way as well.
Bless you all and I hope that GOD finds you soon and speaks to your heart CONTINUOUSLY. GOD doesn't speak to all so literally, it does not make them any less saved; nor do I believe this makes me any more special... ALL GOD'S children are equal in the Lord and only HE deserves praise for helping me and countless others to find love in this life and HIM for eternity.
You can search for a AUDIO New Testament or read it free at a lot of places online now... just do a search.
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